Dear Mr. President,
First of all I would like to extend my most cordial good evenings although there’s a very good chance you’re reading this in the morning or the afternoon. I hope this letter finds you well because if you are ill you probably won’t agree to my proposal. By the way I think you’re really a good-looking guy and that all those people who say you’re not as attractive as the Florida State President are lying.
Anyway let’s get down to business. I recently saw that the student government organization known as Vision Party has been advocating for the “Safe and legal sale of alcoholic beverages in the Reitz Union.” We both know that’s a load of—excuse my language—crap. “Safe and legal” is just code for “grossly overpriced and tailored to fuddy-duddies with more money than sense.”
Now, Ben—do you mind if I call you that? We both know you’re a Man of the people. The smile, the brand, the no-nonsense honesty. They love you, even if they don’t quite know it yet. Which is why I’m asking you to do something that will make them—all of them—love you like the University President they never had. I’m asking you to establish a once-a-semester fifty-cent beer night in the Reitz Student Union—for the people, by the people, and of the people.
I know—it’s a wild idea. All those college kids running around totally wasted on light beer and God-knows-what-else.; things could get out of hand! But nothing has to get out of hand so long as we get this thing off on the right foot.
So I suppose we’ve got to lay out some ground rules. You don’t know, Ben, how much this pains me, but in the interest of practicality I’ll play ball.
First thing’s first—we’ll limit beer sales to six brews per Man (or Woman). That way, even if the students do get a bit rowdy and some things get broken or a kid falls off the staircase they can’t blame you for damages incurred. A measly little six-pack never hurt anybody. After all—this is America!
Second—we’ll make absolutely certain to I.D. everyone at the door. We’ll have our best guys on the project: freshmen from Rawlings Hall, pressed into service and instructed to check everyone’s I.D.’s with the utmost diligence lest we revoke their beer privileges.
Third—and I know you’ll like this one, Ben—free drinks for University Faculty and Staff, and all-night exclusive cocktails for the President and his entourage (including yours truly).
In conclusion—I think we’ve got the germ of a real extravaganza on our hands. Can’t you just see it now? Late October, two A.M. on the North Lawn, the ghost of a drink in your right hand, the ghosts of your Presidential Forefathers beside you, arm in arm, smiling upon the legacy they see you building for yourself—a Man with the light in his eyes and a deep love for his students and their respective bright futures. A Man without borders.
So what do you say, Ben? Are you ready to make history?
Your Friend and Trusted Ally,
–Trey Heller