It is well known that America is divided; but it is also well known that the children of this great nation are tapped in, connected, adapted to the brave new world of technology in which we find ourselves. The only generation capable of saving the Red, White and Blue from herself are the under-30s, with their energetic dynamism that cannot be replicated in the other age groups of our country for want of a certain freshness of ideas that can only be found in the young, whose minds have not yet been polluted by preconceptions, prejudices, and that dreaded quality old people love to call wisdom.
I just so happen to be a part of this fledgling demographic; I am nearing the elder side of the 0-30 category and (let’s be honest) it’s the 20-30 year olds who are really getting things done. The youngsters mostly are feeding into our antics, goading us on with moral support (and the occasional taunt) from the bleachers. In light of my status as a cultural collaborator, I have taken it upon myself to offer up a solution to the present problems which America faces today.
First of all—the 2024 Presidential election. We all know it’s a total sham. Nobody likes those two guys. They’re older than most people’s grandparents and there’s an excellent chance one or both of them are Reptilians or Cyborgs. So if we’re going to get stuck with one of these clowns anyway—why not make it fun (and profitable)?
What I’m suggesting is a Presidential Cage Match (to the death) which will be held on Election Day on November 5, 2024 on Little St. James, in the U.S. Virgin Islands (home to the late Jeff Epstein). Think about it: celebrity boxing matches are all the rage. Jake Paul’s made a ton of dough off his little “fights” which usually just feature him beating the crap out of some retired UFC guy. Imagine the revenue from a no-holds-barred, unlimited-rounds mortal combat deathmatch between a former and a sitting U.S. president? And where better to host the event than the one place we can be sure these two jokers are at least tangentially familiar with? Whoever wins gets to be president. The whole thing will be available internationally via pay-per-view (and who’s missing this?). It will be glorious and we will make tons of money. In the words of Rodney Dangerfield: “We’re all gonna get laid!”
Following the Inaugural Edition of the Epstein Classic, we will have to do something drastic if the people have not yet found it within their hearts to come together as a nation. Politics aside, it can be agreed upon that all Americans love one thing: freedom. I know I like it. I know you like it. The only thing we like nearly as much is money, and only because the latter is a means of acquiring the former. We don’t hoard our cash like the Dutch. We buy freedom.
With this in mind we shall announce, the day after Black Friday, when everyone is chock-full of leftover Thanksgiving turkey and newfound Christmas spirit, the First Annual Freedom Day, a national holiday approximately six months after Independence Day wherein, instead of celebrating American culture, we get together and mock everyone else’s. Because nothing brings people closer than a common enemy.
We will burn effigies of the Chinese dictator; we will bar Russians and Canadians from the National Hockey League for one day only; and, of course, we will pour tea into Boston Harbor. What could be sweeter and more conducive to national cohesion than the tears of our international rivals? Freedom Day will be the direct inverse of July 4th—while still celebrating the same values. Sure, I’m proud to be an American; but, in addition, I’m proud of not being from some other, poorer, less-free country.
If that doesn’t work I guess we’ll have to have a civil war or something. I don’t know. Just be sure not to bother me—I’ll be preparing for the next Epstein Classic. I, like every good American should, have a lot of money on the line.